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So many people ask me why they cannot find their true mate  or a satisfactory relationship that I thought it would be timely to extract this chapter I wrote for The Soulmate Myth which explores that question.

Why some people may never find their true mate

eyes unclouded

Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

                                      The Mirror Cards

To make life bearable, to avoid loneliness, to fill a huge hole, to enable them to feel complete, to give them children, are all reasons given by my clients who ask how they can find their soulmate. Such reasons are inherently selfish, they seek to make the small-self happy, rather than the other person or the eternal Self and that is not a good basis for relationship. Rarer, but more positive, are the people who ask how they can find someone with whom to grow and evolve. Occasionally, someone will say: ‘I feel I have much to offer a partner.’ The one thing all these people have in common is that they are searching for someone with whom to spend their life and become whole. And yet, I have as many if not more letters from people who are married and trying to find a way out as it has not lived up to their expectations. In her book on the work of the American seer Edgar Cayce, Gina Cerminera comments:

The French have a brilliant epigram on the subject of the married and the non-marital state: ‘Marriage is like a beseiged fortress: those who are outside want to get in; those who are inside want to get out.’ … Marriage has brought so much psychological misery to so many people that it seems almost surprising that other people should still consider the married state a desirable one, that they should still be able to disregard its many threats to peace of mind and see only its promises of felicity. And yet … the unmarried generally have a sense of having been cheated of something precious – a sense of frustration and failure.’

That sense of frustration and failure is extremely real, judging from my post bag. Whilst the single state may well be a positive choice, with the soul learning lessons of self-sufficiency, self-worth and other such qualities, it is rarely perceived as that. From over thirty five years of looking at this issue, it appears that some people are simply not destined for marriage. They may well have made that choice at a soul level but are having difficulty adjusting to it here in the physical world. Comparatively few people are happy with their single state – and those who are rarely need to consult a karmic astrologer to find out why. Most souls for whom the single state is an issue either do not find a partner or, having found a partner, the marriage is not destined to last. I regularly get letters from both men and women whose partners have died shortly after marriage, or who move out of the relationship swiftly, leaving them alone again.

In the past, such people often dedicated themselves to the church, or to family obligations. Men could go off to war or some solitary pursuit, but women were limited in their alternative outlets. Nowadays, of course, sex is more widely available; women as well as men devote themselves to their career, and women can conceive children without having a partner just as men can adopt. Nevertheless, I am regularly consulted by women, and men, who feel that, whilst perfectly happy with their lives, they nevertheless suspect that they may be missing out on something- and equally by people who are in a perfectly good marriage with a non-soulmate who wonder if there could be something more.

In some astrological charts there may be indications of a ‘blockage’ – such as an old vow or ingrained belief or an unresolved issue around sexuality and gender or intimacy. But there are times when there is nothing obvious in the astrology. In such cases, it can be helpful to go back to pre-birth to look at their life-plan for the current incarnation or to examine the karmic reasons for not attracting a mate – something which requires a skilled guide or expert in far memory.

Edgar Cayce did many readings on this kind of question. He told one frustrated spinster, for example, that several lifetimes back she had been married with two children. Her husband ‘fell into disgrace in his community’ and she committed suicide in a fit of post natal depression. According to Cayce, her failure to find a partner now was because she deprived her husband and children of the love they needed then. As she had not honoured her responsibility to her family, nor appreciated family bonds, in her present life she was to go without these things because through their lack she would appreciate their worth.

In my experience, such an extreme measure would only occur after several lives as karma is not a punishment but rather a balancing out. It is usually undertaken with the cooperation of the soul after careful planning in the between-life state but can occasionally be a wake-up call that is imposed on a soul who is deeply entrenched in a negative pattern.

In another reading Cayce told a woman who had had a love affair which was purely physical with great psychological incompatibility, since when she had been alone, that she too had committed suicide and abandoned a child, and so was deprived of one in her present life. In that other life she had been proud, haughty, self-willed and arrogant and died rather than suffer humiliation. In her present life, she exhibited exactly those same qualities again, together with an independence and brusqueness of manner that put prospective partners off. She was prone to fits of black depression, during which she contemplated suicide. After the reading, she never again wished to commit suicide [suicide is not necessarily a negative karmic choice although Cayce usually seemed to feel it was]. Cayce also told her that she could expect to marry much later in life after she had made herself as helpful as possible to all with whom she came in contact. In that way she would make herself ‘worthy of marriage’ (Cayce’s words), which was the karmic purpose of her present incarnation. For her, it was not the suicide which led to her single state, but rather the carry-over of the traits that had caused the suicide in the first place.

What many people are usually looking for in a partner is someone to make them feel complete, to fill in the gaps as it were. The doctrine of karma, however, says that they should seek to develop the missing qualities within their own self. So, if they are looking for love, they should practice love at every opportunity – which does not mean becoming promiscuous but rather showing unconditional, compassionate love and an open heart whenever and where possible, even in the smallest of ways.

Lack of a partner is so often regarded as being a negative condition when it can be a positive one. Being single may have been part of the soul plan for the present incarnation. You may be learning the difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely often brings dependence and barriers. It shuts off from spiritual comfort or insight and is constantly looking ‘out there’ for answers. Being alone could, however, bring strength and independence, an ability to be happy in your own company and to practise self-love and self-cherishing. It can offer the opportunity for spiritual insights gained through meditation, and the possibility of knowing your inner self more intimately. People usually encounter what they expect. If at a deep level you feel unlovable, unworthy, inadequate or inferior, for whatever reason, this is what will be attracted. So, one of the most powerful ways to find a true mate can be to learn to love yourself – not in a selfish, self-centred way but in a way that validates and appreciates who and what you are in the fullness of your whole being and change your expectations into something positive and life-affirming (see chapter l8 of The Soulmate Myth).

Setting too high standards can be one of the pitfalls in finding a mate. If a previous experience was of perfection, then anything else tends to disappoint. If it wasn’t perfect back then, at death or in the between life state the soul might have decided it has to be now. Many people go into relationship expecting – or demanding – that everything should be instantly right. If it were there would perhaps be no way to evolve or grow together and you would stultify unless you were in a twinflame relationship. On the other hand, if you have always settled for something less, and therefore been disappointed in love, then, once again, that expectation will probably manifest once more unless you reprogram it.

If a soul has taken a vow of celibacy in another life, unless this was rescinded, there will remain a certain ‘untouchable air’ about that person. They may make subtle movements of distaste and rejection that are perceived subliminally by a potential partner, who backs off. Disappointment or hurt in love, the decision that: ‘I’ll never risk that again’, can have much the same effect. It is as though the aura freezes as well as the emotions – and prospective partners intuitively read the signals the aura gives out and so stay well away. There will be a deep conflict, consciously the person wants to receive love, subconsciously a little voice inside is warning: ‘Remember that decision you made, well it was good sense, you’ll only get hurt again’. Once you recognise that voice and, where possible, find out where it is coming from and shut it down or reframe it, then a new attitude is possible.

Why it may be inappropriate to marry

          Times are changed with him who marries; there are no more by-path meadows, where you may innocently linger, but the road lies long and straight and dusty to the grave.

                             Robert Louie Stevenson

Edgar Cayce did a great many relationship readings – some of which specifically referred to the karma embedded in a prospective relationship. In response to a question as to whether marriage would be best for a couple’s mutual development, he replied that it might be so, but that there were other potential partners with whom their growth would be better served, especially as they had some karma which would be particularly hard to deal with as husband and wife.

In that case Cayce clearly felt that the couple should not marry although he didn’t say so outright. When asked a similar question by another couple, however, he stated starkly: ‘No’ but gave no reason. In other readings he left the couple to make up their own mind – which is what an astrologer or other counsellor, no matter how intuitive and spiritually aware is well advised to do. You can set out the factors as you read them and then leave your client to make the decision. Anything else is risking karmic enmeshment with your client. In response to one couple’s enquiry as to whether they should marry or was there someone else with whom they could each be happier, Cayce retorted that he could name twenty five or thirty – going on to say that marriage was what you made it. But he followed this up by saying that the couple did have an issue that would have to be worked on together sooner or later, and so the choice was up to them.

In commenting on this and the inadvisability of marriage in certain cases, Gina Cerminara points out that the souls, despite having mutual karma, may well have other lessons to learn which are more important than the one they would learn together. In my work, I have certainly found this to be the case. The couple may also have lessons that they could learn better apart than together – although sometimes a couple are ‘rehearsing’ for a later relationship where they will face the deeper issues with the person with whom they arose in another life. It may be that one soul actually needs an experience of being alone, for instance. Gina Cerminara goes on to say that some couples should not marry because one of the souls may be ‘spiritually insolvent’. In other words, he or she has not yet developed the inner strength needed to face and work through the karmic difficulty. There are also cases, she feels, where the marriage would be ‘too extreme a penalty for the delinquency, or the punishment does not fit the crime’. That is to say, whilst there may be some karma between a couple who are attracted to each other, it would not be sufficient reason for them to become embroiled in what would, or could possibly, develop into a difficult passage due to other considerations. Karma is, of course, an on-going process and what is set in motion now will have to be met in the future.

Some people are still dealing with the consequences of unwise choices in previous lives, setting themselves the task of learning discrimination in relationships If this is so, it would be wise to postpone marriage until the issues have been unpicked as it were as otherwise the couple may find themselves tied together for a repeat lifetime in which they go round and round over the same old ground.

Sexuality and gender may well be hidden agendas behind failure to find a marriage or life partner, or in a marriage breaking down. There are souls that are suffering from a resistance to a gender change that has taken place. Extremely masculine women, for example, or effeminate men may be resisting moving into a new experience and, therefore, do not find a suitable partner because they are unconsciously looking in the wrong direction – something which can affect all and anyone at one time or another not just those who have changed gender. As we have seen, the incarnating soul may well have intended to have a same-sex relationship in order to develop certain qualities only available through that interaction, but society’s mores may have pushed them into a more conventional marriage. As many men, and women, with same-sex leanings have found to their cost, marriage to the opposite sex does not provide a cure. If anything, it exacerbates the yearning. Until such time as the soul adapts to the new gender in whatever way is appropriate, it might be more constructive to be alone.

Still other people are still working on the continuity principle or karmic treadmill. Many people believe they will recognise their perfect partner instantly, and dismiss anyone that does not match up to this idealised picture – usually without even recognising the selection process has taken place or that they are looking for a partner from the past rather than for the present life. If such a person does find a match, they will marry for that reason – deluding themselves that everything will be perfect but it seldom is. In other continuity cases, old messages around love could still be operating and affecting the possibility of attracting a partner. Until such messages have been changed, it may be better not to enter a relationship. On the other hand, a soul in a previous life may have made a decision, or taken a particular stance, and it carries over from life to life as attitudinal karma. So, for example, a woman may have decided in another life to resist love, the keep herself pure for Jesus or some such. Or a man may have formulated a heartfelt desire to remain single and unattached. Such decisions carry forward and may need reframing but it might be better for the soul to live out the consequences of that earlier decision until it has been fully experienced and the soul is ready to move on.

Notwithstanding, there are people for whom an informed decision to remain single will be a positive act. I knew a man who had become a monk in his present life, at a young age, despite his determination not to. He thought he had no vocation, and yet found an aptitude for the work. Having been a teacher, he moved into counselling. In his forties, he fell in love. Totally, head over heels, blissfully. But he decided not to marry. Having carefully considered the matter, he felt that he could help far more people through his spiritual and counselling work than he could gain personal satisfaction from marriage. He lived within a small community of brothers who shared a spiritual life that sustained him. When he looked at his past lives, he had already experienced relationships and children. He then had an interim life where, although married, he felt a powerful pull to solitude and spiritual work. Something which was only resolved at the very end of that life after the death of his wife. By the time his present incarnation came along, his soul felt ready to move onto a different way of giving and sharing of himself. For him, his single state was a positive affirmation of who he was.

Once people view their single state as complete in itself rather than as a lack they can be much more positive about their relationship to the wider whole. This gives them an opportunity to find strengths and develop qualities within themselves that could not have been accessed had they married.

Who says a twinflame has to be human?

As a P.S. I’d add that if you don’t have a relationship with a human being, then maybe a crystal skull is waiting to enter your life. It will never be dull with one of those around and they can be extremely supportive in converting loneliness to at-one-ment. Here are a few examples from my friends at Skullis.

You can read more about crystal skulls in my book on the subject or obtain The Soulmate Myth from any good book supplier.